Got Milk?
Nope. Not really.
Remember when I said that I would go into just how much I am NOT superwoman? Here it is....
We're at day 13, and I'm about to pull the plug on my milk production efforts. Over the past 5 days, I have produced about a half ounce of breastmilk. No real improvement, and certainly not nearly enough to sustain him.
We've had three visits to the lactation consultants ...
The first two went from okay (that was the first one) to AWFUL (and that was the second one). I left the second one crying, and cried for most of the rest of the day. We were confused, we got contradictory information, and the method with which we were feeding Monkey was emotionally horrendous for me. They basically had me using the nipple shield over my nipple, and then we would feed a feeding tube into it, and give him food via a syringe. It was awful, and both the Hubby and I had to do this awful activity, because I had to hold Monkey while Hubby handled the syringe. It felt so wrong to be feeding a perfectly healthy baby through a feeding tube, and the only reason we were doing that was to help my milk come in. On top of that, I was pumping with every feed to also try to get it to come in.
It was beyond time consuming (Seriously, I don't mind that part) but more than that, for me emotionally, it made me a wreck. And when I'm a wreck, the baby is a wreck. The syringe feeding reminded me of death and sickness, and I couldn't shake it, no matter how hard I tried. We had a really bad weekend last weekend as a result. Plus the consultants wanted us to schedule him, which again, for a perfectly healthy baby, they should be able to eat on demand. Needless to say, Monkey HATED the schedule. And again, it was all for me, to try to get the milk to come in.
We had a third appointment on Monday with yet another consultant. I was dreading it. I brought my meager pumping efforts with me, for 3 solid days of pumping, 8 times a day, I had yielded about 11 ml. Not so good. So, I went in, and I had already decided that the syringe thing had to stop.
Thankfully, this last appt was worlds different. After seeing what I was yielding, and talking to me, she agreed that the syringe thing was not something to continue, and we then just talked about Monkey, and about feeding him on formula, and it was a wonderful visit. She started the appointment by asking us if we had any different thoughts about our direction with this, and then followed that up by saying that she's not the breastfeeding police, and she wants us to do whatever we feel is right for the Baby, and that she was there to help us fully with whatever direction that was.
It's been very emotional, on one hand, I do feel like I'm failing him a little, it's hard not to, really. But on the other, with Monkey on formula, and bottle feeding exclusively, it gives him more bonding time with Daddy. For instance, Hubby took the early shift today, and had about an hour of skin to skin time with him after feeding, and I think that's wonderful. I really also do believe in happy Mommy nd Daddy = happy Baby. I can't spend all of this time, which I will never ever get back, focusing on my milk production. I would love for it to happen, but I need to focus on keeping my baby happy and well fed, and keeping myself happy. The past couple of days have been great. We have spent our mealtimes talking and him staring into my eyes as he eats, and he's noticeably calmer and more sated in general.
Sometimes something is not meant to happen. This was my first real test as a Mommy (besides the whole giving birth thing... LOL), and I need to listen to my gut and my Spirit and if that's what it's telling me, then that's what it's telling me.
I'll tell you what I'm most nervous about. I am nervous about the judgement from other mothers. I know how strongly women feel about breastfeeding, and I've been warned from other women who have had problems with milk production that I will receive my fair share grief about this from other mothers. I'm trying to prepare myself for that, which is hard all on it's own, and to combine that with feeling badly and guilty that I don't have any breastmilk of any quantity for my son, it definitely makes me feel like a failure on a number of levels.
In the grand scheme of things though, this is such a small thing. It's a blip in his life, and in mine, and looking at the big picture, this is really small potatoes.
Sometimes you can and do cry over spilled milk. But then you step back and you look at exactly what you are crying about, and then you look over at your little boy and you realize, it's just milk.
Remember when I said that I would go into just how much I am NOT superwoman? Here it is....
We're at day 13, and I'm about to pull the plug on my milk production efforts. Over the past 5 days, I have produced about a half ounce of breastmilk. No real improvement, and certainly not nearly enough to sustain him.
We've had three visits to the lactation consultants ...
The first two went from okay (that was the first one) to AWFUL (and that was the second one). I left the second one crying, and cried for most of the rest of the day. We were confused, we got contradictory information, and the method with which we were feeding Monkey was emotionally horrendous for me. They basically had me using the nipple shield over my nipple, and then we would feed a feeding tube into it, and give him food via a syringe. It was awful, and both the Hubby and I had to do this awful activity, because I had to hold Monkey while Hubby handled the syringe. It felt so wrong to be feeding a perfectly healthy baby through a feeding tube, and the only reason we were doing that was to help my milk come in. On top of that, I was pumping with every feed to also try to get it to come in.
It was beyond time consuming (Seriously, I don't mind that part) but more than that, for me emotionally, it made me a wreck. And when I'm a wreck, the baby is a wreck. The syringe feeding reminded me of death and sickness, and I couldn't shake it, no matter how hard I tried. We had a really bad weekend last weekend as a result. Plus the consultants wanted us to schedule him, which again, for a perfectly healthy baby, they should be able to eat on demand. Needless to say, Monkey HATED the schedule. And again, it was all for me, to try to get the milk to come in.
We had a third appointment on Monday with yet another consultant. I was dreading it. I brought my meager pumping efforts with me, for 3 solid days of pumping, 8 times a day, I had yielded about 11 ml. Not so good. So, I went in, and I had already decided that the syringe thing had to stop.
Thankfully, this last appt was worlds different. After seeing what I was yielding, and talking to me, she agreed that the syringe thing was not something to continue, and we then just talked about Monkey, and about feeding him on formula, and it was a wonderful visit. She started the appointment by asking us if we had any different thoughts about our direction with this, and then followed that up by saying that she's not the breastfeeding police, and she wants us to do whatever we feel is right for the Baby, and that she was there to help us fully with whatever direction that was.
It's been very emotional, on one hand, I do feel like I'm failing him a little, it's hard not to, really. But on the other, with Monkey on formula, and bottle feeding exclusively, it gives him more bonding time with Daddy. For instance, Hubby took the early shift today, and had about an hour of skin to skin time with him after feeding, and I think that's wonderful. I really also do believe in happy Mommy nd Daddy = happy Baby. I can't spend all of this time, which I will never ever get back, focusing on my milk production. I would love for it to happen, but I need to focus on keeping my baby happy and well fed, and keeping myself happy. The past couple of days have been great. We have spent our mealtimes talking and him staring into my eyes as he eats, and he's noticeably calmer and more sated in general.
Sometimes something is not meant to happen. This was my first real test as a Mommy (besides the whole giving birth thing... LOL), and I need to listen to my gut and my Spirit and if that's what it's telling me, then that's what it's telling me.
I'll tell you what I'm most nervous about. I am nervous about the judgement from other mothers. I know how strongly women feel about breastfeeding, and I've been warned from other women who have had problems with milk production that I will receive my fair share grief about this from other mothers. I'm trying to prepare myself for that, which is hard all on it's own, and to combine that with feeling badly and guilty that I don't have any breastmilk of any quantity for my son, it definitely makes me feel like a failure on a number of levels.
In the grand scheme of things though, this is such a small thing. It's a blip in his life, and in mine, and looking at the big picture, this is really small potatoes.
Sometimes you can and do cry over spilled milk. But then you step back and you look at exactly what you are crying about, and then you look over at your little boy and you realize, it's just milk.
2 Comments:
Im so sorry breastfeeding didn't work for you!Im so proud of you for trying so hard to make it work and I think its just as responsible a decision as a mother to abandon a feeding method thats not working for your family as it would be trying to torture your milk into exsistence. Honestly, if some other woman has the audacity to have an opinion about what you can and can't do with YOUR breasts and YOUR son, you should feel free to reach into the Webster Lexicon of Exotic Curses and let that heffa have it! Put earmuffs on Liam and cuss her up and down the street... Your baby is happy, you and your hubby are happy, which means there is harmony in your household, so to hell with anyone who feels they have the authority to pass judgement on that! It sounds to me like yall are doing great. I only hope we can make such a good transition into parenthood as you guys are doing!Enjoy it! Im so excited for you!
I think you put in plenty of effort and made the right decision for all 3 of you. Don't worry about those dumb other mothers. If they judge you unfairly send them to me and I'll set them straight with a few words and maybe a slap.
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